Good day dear reader. I felt that I needed to vent some things into the void. I saw a post on Facebook about a mother who wanted to start their kid on a weight loss app....and just like that ALL the crap from my childhood came flooding back.
I need to give some obscure history with my life and family. I am the youngest and as such, there was a few times that my elder siblings believed I was spoiled...and honestly, I probably was. I just didn't know any better. I don't think my upbringing was bad per say....I had a home with food to eat and parents who didn't beat me. I was held to high standards and as such, sometimes felt compared to my other siblings who things came easier for.
My mother has always been a fairly health-conscious person. She would constantly go to the gym, eat healthily, devote her time to things that were important. Unfortunately, I fell under the category of the runt of the litter (The one with the most health/body size issues). When I was a kid, things seemed easier. But once puberty started making itself known, my mother decided the whole family needed to join a weight loss venture called Shape-Up. We had to read books, weigh ourselves constantly (or at least that is what it felt like), and write down everything we ate. We would go to these classes once a week...I think. Nothing worse than having an older lady use a flexible tape measuring tape around your middle and criticize your inches.
Some of the more scar inducing quotes that have been in my brain since youth are things like this, "you are grazing all the time (when having a snack), suck in your tummy, you are getting flabby, if you just exercised....or walked...you could lose your middle." Not to mention a complete hatred of the clothes I would wear...I absolutely abhorred scratchy clothes, jeans etc. I would prefer to wear stuff that was comfy. Not to mention my mother would constantly talk about my belly when I wore a tighter shirt. I would also be talked about my gait. I would walk with my toes pointed outward slightly. I would be constantly berated on how I walked (EVEN TODAY!!!!) she talked about how I walked like a duck. For years I have always watched how I walked making sure I wouldn't make any noise to cause her to look at my feet.
*As an adult, I have finally found a zen/clothing that makes me feel a little more me. I feel confident and I like the style I have.
After the Shape-Up class was ended, it was a constant barrage of sucking it in, weighing myself, getting berated when I was hungry. In high school I went through a phase of anorexia....or at least as much as I could. I wouldn't eat and would constantly write down what I consumed. I tried to do ab work out as much as possible. I would go to the classes my mom wanted me to. I would go to the gym. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I would constantly hear my mom's critique. To this day I am still having trouble recognizing when I need to eat...not to mention the joy of chronic nausea.
I didn't fit the mold...my BMI was bigger than kids my age...and WHY CAN'T YOU LOSE WEIGHT! was a consistent reminder from my mom. I would go to the gym like a good little girl to show my mom that I am not ignoring her...bla bla bla, trying to win her acceptance with who I am.
When I got into college, there were some discoveries of the health variety. A heart rate that was abnormally high, thyroid issues, gall bladder poisoning and gastroparesis.
It wasn't until I was in my 30's until I found out I had PCOS with all the joyful additions of insulin resistance. So, it is basically IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight in the normal ways. I have gastroparesis and cannot afford to do things out of pocket for weight loss drugs (It would cause a slew of other issues in my already weird body).
Honestly, I feel that if my mother had created a safe place where it actually felt ok to be a little bigger and didn't fit the mold, I would be less neurotic when it comes to food and weight.
I just want to say, I am not blaming her and even though it still is tough. I know that (I) have to be happy with myself....and I think I am getting to that point. I have a husband who treats me well and loves my curves. I am healthy and I am learning how to speak up for myself when it comes to medical weigh ins etc.
Now, I focus on doing exercise my way (When my plantar fasciitis plays nice). I exercise by doing dancing on Dance Central on my Xbox 360. I also do the Figure 8 routines from Body FX. I loved doing dancing and hip-hop. Because it didn't fit the mold of exercise in my mom's view...I would usually have to give it up (There were other underlying reasoning...and I am sure the money was an issue too.) I don't go to a gym or pay a monthly fee. I exercise in ways that make me happy.
To this day....I hate weight loss "recommendations"
(Yes, I love Shane Koyczan)
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