When the scale causes more issues...Growing up and the issues that arise from early obsessions with food tracking, weight etc.

Good day dear reader. I felt that I needed to vent some things into the void. I saw a post on Facebook about a mother who wanted to start their kid on a weight loss app....and just like that ALL the crap from my childhood came flooding back.

I need to give some obscure history with my life and family. I am the youngest and as such, there was a few times that my elder siblings believed I was spoiled...and honestly, I probably was. I just didn't know any better. I don't think my upbringing was bad per say....I had a home with food to eat and parents who didn't beat me. I was held to high standards and as such, sometimes felt compared to my other siblings who things came easier for. 

My mother has always been a fairly health-conscious person. She would constantly go to the gym, eat healthily, devote her time to things that were important. Unfortunately, I fell under the category of the runt of the litter (The one with the most health/body size issues). When I was a kid, things seemed easier. But once puberty started making itself known, my mother decided the whole family needed to join a weight loss venture called Shape-Up. We had to read books, weigh ourselves constantly (or at least that is what it felt like), and write down everything we ate. We would go to these classes once a week...I think. Nothing worse than having an older lady use a flexible tape measuring tape around your middle and criticize your inches. 

Some of the more scar inducing quotes that have been in my brain since youth are things like this, "you are grazing all the time (when having a snack), suck in your tummy, you are getting flabby, if you just exercised....or walked...you could lose your middle." Not to mention a complete hatred of the clothes I would wear...I absolutely abhorred scratchy clothes, jeans etc. I would prefer to wear stuff that was comfy. Not to mention my mother would constantly talk about my belly when I wore a tighter shirt. I would also be talked about my gait. I would walk with my toes pointed outward slightly. I would be constantly berated on how I walked (EVEN TODAY!!!!) she talked about how I walked like a duck. For years I have always watched how I walked making sure I wouldn't make any noise to cause her to look at my feet. 

*As an adult, I have finally found a zen/clothing that makes me feel a little more me. I feel confident and I like the style I have. 

After the Shape-Up class was ended, it was a constant barrage of sucking it in, weighing myself, getting berated when I was hungry. In high school I went through a phase of anorexia....or at least as much as I could. I wouldn't eat and would constantly write down what I consumed. I tried to do ab work out as much as possible. I would go to the classes my mom wanted me to. I would go to the gym. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I would constantly hear my mom's critique. To this day I am still having trouble recognizing when I need to eat...not to mention the joy of chronic nausea. 

I didn't fit the mold...my BMI was bigger than kids my age...and WHY CAN'T YOU LOSE WEIGHT! was a consistent reminder from my mom. I would go to the gym like a good little girl to show my mom that I am not ignoring her...bla bla bla, trying to win her acceptance with who I am. 

When I got into college, there were some discoveries of the health variety. A heart rate that was abnormally high, thyroid issues, gall bladder poisoning and gastroparesis. 

It wasn't until I was in my 30's until I found out I had PCOS with all the joyful additions of insulin resistance. So, it is basically IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight in the normal ways. I have gastroparesis and cannot afford to do things out of pocket for weight loss drugs (It would cause a slew of other issues in my already weird body).

Honestly, I feel that if my mother had created a safe place where it actually felt ok to be a little bigger and didn't fit the mold, I would be less neurotic when it comes to food and weight. 

I just want to say, I am not blaming her and even though it still is tough. I know that (I) have to be happy with myself....and I think I am getting to that point. I have a husband who treats me well and loves my curves. I am healthy and I am learning how to speak up for myself when it comes to medical weigh ins etc. 

Now, I focus on doing exercise my way (When my plantar fasciitis plays nice). I exercise by doing dancing on Dance Central on my Xbox 360. I also do the Figure 8 routines from Body FX. I loved doing dancing and hip-hop. Because it didn't fit the mold of exercise in my mom's view...I would usually have to give it up (There were other underlying reasoning...and I am sure the money was an issue too.) I don't go to a gym or pay a monthly fee. I exercise in ways that make me happy. 

To this day....I hate weight loss "recommendations"

(Yes, I love Shane Koyczan)

New Year: Writing more and frustrations galore

Believe it or not dear reader, I have a degree in journalism. I worked for years on newspapers, crafting articles, and going to the theater to help the local community know what was going on. I loved everything about those jobs.

As of now, I am the managing editor for a metaphysical magazine. It is a great experience for me. I am not paid to do any of it, but the rewards are felt in other ways. I am learning more about psychology through the use of visuals and I get to contact people who are in the field. I have learned what it takes to build a magazine, as well as general language skills being polished. Through this job, I have been able to have a book published with my co-author (the CEO of the company). That is one thing I never thought I would get to in my 30's. https://a.co/d/0RkBxGB

Honestly, I miss having my own column about emergency preparedness and imparting wisdom about how to survive. I have been doing a lot of research when it comes to ChatGPT. I think it is a valuable tool for helping keep things straight, but those people who are using it to write articles, books, and other language filled items...it is a form of cheating. Academic dishonesty was one of those things that I couldn't believe other people would do. Copy things word for word...paste off the internet...and pass things off as their own. Yes, there is a way to properly citate things that have been used, but blatant stealing...that is just wrong. Using any form of AI to completely write something and pass it off as your own is a form of cheating. No one is learning anything. I shudder to think what will happen if people continue to pass it off as their own.

And yes...I do love memes. But now on to the health frustrations.

As many people have surmised, I have a significant amount of health issues and each of them cause delightful things to happen to me. I see a few separate doctors to keep all my levels fairly normal. My list is thus, (Insulin resistant PCOS, Celiacs, Lactose Intolerance, Chronic Nausea, Sleep Apnea, Thyroid Issues, Plantar Fasciitis, Tinnitus, Gastroparesis, TMJ, and more). I recently have been working with my Endocrinologist to discuss what is needed. 

It is always disheartening to hear from a doctor..."You will not lose any weight with the slew of issues facing you right now...and yet losing weight will help resolve a few of them." I already have a lot of issues with losing weight and food growing up and anxiety to boot...so it has become a real issue. However, this endo has been a dream. He has actually helped me find a method that will help reduce my insulin resistance (my A1c and all that jazz is completely normal). 

And because I am a human with kids living paycheck to paycheck...even with health insurance, I couldn't afford any of those fancy weight loss injections (which in case you didn't know...can cause gastroparesis or make it even worse.) I don't wish that gunk on anyone so I was adamant on no injections and surgery would not help either. We found something that I could take every day that would not bat heads with any of my other medications and would not make my stuff worse. Hopefully, my insurance will cover it partially. Thank heavens for good doctors who actually LISTEN.

Thank you for reading my rant. Have a lovely week, month, and year. New writings will be coming your way soon. 

Why I do what I do...Comments on the things I am working with.

I don't know why but recently there has been a feeling that I need to explain my reasons for reading tarot. I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel like it will make some things clearer for others. 

Starting from the beginning. I didn't just start reading tarot cards. It came from friends I had acquired over the years. I met some wonderfully magical people. I was using my other craft of doing photography and with these friendships I discovered their talents for reading cards. I never personally got a reading from them...but I was SO intrigued at the history behind tarot and why the pictures are the way they are. I actually got a chance to do an article for my degree which allowed me free reign to delve into the history. *Check out my Tarot history article and it will help you see. 

A little more history about me. Stories have always been my passion. From creating stories in the bathtub or with little cups on my hands...I would craft stories and situations. My stuffed animals and toys would anthropomorphize, and I would have worlds open to me. I actually received flak from a friend growing up because I didn't "play right". I would have aliens come down and park cars for a living or a T rex would want to eat at Denny's but couldn't fit through the door. These were fun for me. I liked random little things.

This is where my degree took me, into English, Creative Writing, and Journalism. I love how authors could use language to create visuals. It was something I was dying to do...or at least be a part of. I taught English at the high school level and absolutely loved short stories and the Shakespeare units. Honestly, if the politics of the school district weren't so awful...I would still be there.

Sorry, side bar. After I was introduced to the world of Tarot, I started learning more and more. I was absolutely intrigued. If you know anything about me, most people know I have a deep love of Ireland and everything about it. My husband got me the Celtic Tarot by Kristoffer Hughes one year, and I absolutely fell in love. I loved the artwork and the story. However, I noticed when I was looking at the cards, there were different things I noticed that would pop out to me.

I threw out my instruction booklet on the tarot and looked at it from an intuitive perspective. It finally clicked. I could SEE the storyline...how the action would rise and fall, the characters that the fool would meet, and how actions would cause different things. These archetypes are a big part of who we are as human beings. Everyone meets or experiences these things in their lives. That is why I love tarot so much. I love the symbols and how they pertain to everything we are as human beings. It is the human condition in picture form. Everything just clicked.

I love being able to help people see connections in their own lives. There is nothing demonic, I am not calling on spirits, or even doing anything remotely associated with energies. I don't deny that there are these energies out there, and if you go looking for them you will find them. But what I do is not about calling on spirits or energies...that is not me. The cards are a tool, just like using a journey to free write or free association writing. It is just a way of unlocking the brain and seeing things from a different perspective.

*On a funny side note, I actually told my aunt what I do and she goes, "Oh I can totally see that in you. You're just like grandma." My grandmother used to read tea leaves, and I have her copies of notes and book she worked from. There was my answer and feeling...yes this is a good thing I am doing. 

I like to say, "You provide the story, I just provide some perspective." 

Gastroparesis: What is it and why it is awful!

 Greetings to all you readers. If you have read some of my previous posts, you can see I have some rather awful health issues. One that is a pain to deal with...both figuratively and literally...is gastroparesis.

What is Gastroparesis? This is a disorder of the stomach which basically slows or stops the movement of food from your stomach to your small intestine. It is also called delayed gastric emptying.

Basically, food sits and rots in the stomach. This causes nausea, vomiting, pain, feeling full and whatnot. Some of the lovely complications are malnutrition, fatigue, vitamin deficiency,, bezoars (not as fun as Harry Potter) basically the food hardens into a rock and gets stuck, or even weird bacterial overgrowth. 

As you can see...not fun whatsoever. 

The only way to diagnose it is to have a scan done by the hospital. They have you eat radioactive eggs and then scan how much food is leftover in the stomach. I had it done over 18 years ago at a hospital after having some really gnarly stomach issues. It was almost like the scan they do for having your gallbladder checked, but you don't get shot full of iodine.

I tried to get all the scans from it a while back, but most hospitals dump scans after 10ish years. I had to have another one this last year. They found out that the first hour my stomach worked like a champ...then the second, third, and fourth hour. It slowed to a crawl. After 4 hours, I still had a good 30 percent of the eggs still in my stomach. When all of it should have been gone after 2-3 hours (with normal stomach). 

This is my normal. (even though I love gramma....I felt it went well here)

One common denominator in all my health issues is a problem with my Vagus Nerve. This is the lovely nerve that is called the wanderer and deals with lung function and digestion. Many times, if you pass out or have gastroparesis, it is due to your vagus nerve having issues. It is in such a weird spot in my spine, that the two times I had C-Sections I passed out from the needle...and then when I usually upchuck, I pass out (which can get messy and potentially dangerous).

What I deal with is almost a constant wave of nausea. Sometimes it is chill. I can work, eat fairly normal, and deal with it with nausea meds and a Relief Band stimulator (I LOVE MINE btw). I absolutely hate throwing up so the less things that might cause it the better.

The worst is when I am trying to exercise or do things well...and then I turn or stretch weird, and my stomach is like...The HELL you ain't gonna have a happy day. So, fighting off nausea is always fun. 

I have to eat small meals and if I am feeling particularly nauseous...I usually subsist on rice crackers and noodles....(Did I mention I have celiacs disease too?)

There you have it. So, for all you out there suffering or are having to subsist with a feeding tube (I salute you too). You guys are warriors as well. I hope you enjoyed my rant.  

Weird Health: Bullying Growing Up

Everyone says that there is some bullying that happens growing up. Even though I would like to say it didn't phase me...there was a lot of bullying and comments from inside and outside of family that really impacted me, even to this day. 

One thing that I HATE with a passion is how much I sweat. It is not an attractive glistening...and if you say girls glisten...I will pound you. No this is run a marathon, dripping down my nose sweating. It doesn't matter if it is a small exercise...sometimes I just sweat like crazy.

One incident that will always be burned into my brain is trying out for the volleyball team in Jr. High/High School. I think we were trying out for the incoming freshmen. I remember I was able to get the ball over the net with serves and was pretty good at doing layups. I really wasn't the best out there, but I certainly wasn't the worst. I remember there were a few girls that were my sister's age that knew me from hanging out with her. They made a lot of comments like what is up with your sisters sweating, is she ok, dang she sweats a lot. 

THIS was something that really impacted me. I didn't make the team...because I didn't fit standards and hell, I preferred reading and being alone. I tried out for the dance team....didn't get it again. OH and don't get me started on getting stuck in lower level of dance because my teacher felt 'Even though she is good...she isn't that pretty.'. 

You can tell I am a little miffed about that eh?

Now let me give you a glimpse growing up as a bigger kid. There were some people in my family that would be considered "Granola" and to have an obsession with weight. It really did a number on my brain and self-confidence. Going to weight loss classes. Getting told to "SUCK IT IN" every time I wore a shirt that was a little tighter. Writing down every little thing I ate. I don't remember being forced to go and exercise...but I do remember there really wasn't a second option.

To this day I absolutely will not have a scale in the house and refuse to weigh myself, unless I am at a doctor's office. Even there I rarely look at the amount of weight. I don't stop my husband from doing so, but I honestly will not suffer my kids to go through that because I don't want them feeling like what their body looks like matters more than who they are as a person.

There was one comment at a recent gathering that really pissed me off to no end. I have been having back pain....and apparently this is due to me not having a strong core (hint...my weight) and not to mention the pointing at my stomach. 

All I wanted to say was F*** that. But I would like to say I have grown a little bit. I shut down the body talk and said it isn't that and I wasn't talking about that again. 

Even though the comments hurt...I try and play it off. Though the comments may have started a little bit of a manic exercising regimin...I have found one that actually is dance-y enough that it doesn't kill my stomach...but works on toning. I have been killing it. I honestly have no clue if I am doing it just because of the damn comment, or just a stubborn part of me wanting to PROVE that even though I am exercising...that pain and the issues with my body are still going to be there. 

One thing that sucks about weight comments. No one truly knows what one is going through. When one's body cannot digest food quick enough (gastroparesis) and having chronic nausea....that is what I deal with. Ballooning up in weight after having my second kid...and weighing exactly what I did when he was in my belly....THAT is what I have been dealing with. Being allergic to wheat, issues with dairy...and even stopping soda because I know how bad it is...THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH. A stubborn body that will not work with the materials given...That is the CRAP (I would like to say another word but I won't) I have been dealing with. SO excuse me if I get extremely miffed about comments about my weight. 

I finally have a few doctors who actually give a damn about what is going on with my body and helping me live fairly normal parameters. So, thank you dear doctors who listen, and to friends who are supportive. Love you tons. 

Medical Saga-part 2...the 8 year old chimes in.

 Earlier in the year I was dealing with some other issues encompassing dairy free, gluten free, and the ever-loving joy of chronic nausea. 

Well guess what decided to be added into my oeuvre of health sanity. My 8-year-old, who is my book loving...and now health issue twin. He started getting consistent stomach aches at school and not to mention he kept having pain. I kept him home quite a few times or picked him up early.

I took him to an allergist...and that was a bust. The states best allergist didn't tell us squat. He treated us horribly. We went for a second opinion. They found some interesting allergy issues: tomato, chicken, and avocados. (We were already doing dairy free...some issues have resolved). It has been a learning curve. We love spaghetti in our house and tomatoes with salt and pepper. We are finding new recipes to help.

The doctors see that he is full of it (which we are dealing with) and totally blew us off. Honestly, the medical field is such a bummer. I know there are a lot of people who fake things, but there are some things that really impact kids. There is a very small part of me that feels that he may be embellishing his pain to get a little more of a reaction from us...However, with my years of being constantly in pain and sick...I want to be sure it isn't something more.

As of now...we are working on an elimination diet with lots of fiber. Once everything is under control, hopefully it will alleviate these symptoms and he can be his normal, happy, pain free self. 

Till next time. 

Gluten Free-Dairy Free- oh my...

 *Thank you for reading this if you do. BIG RANT AHEAD.

Ok, so let me start off in my medical saga. I have two boys which are amazing, and I do not plan on having any more. With my last one, I was sick the whole time. After having him a month early, I was feeling ok for about 6 months until the rest of my systems shut down. I ended up gaining the same amount of weight I was when I had my most recent son. SO ON TO THE TESTING.

I see an endocrinologist regularly because I have thyroid issues, which requires constant medication. He and I discussed the weirdness with my weight, and we started down the path of PCOS and Sleep Apnea. It took less than a month to figure out I was having 200 events overnight (which is severe). My hubby had to deal with me sawing logs every night. Well, with my CPAP I no longer snore, and have less than 6 a night usually. So, one thing down.

About this time, I was noticing I was constantly...and I mean constantly nauseous. One of my doctors started me on some nausea meds and It seemed to help a little bit. I went to my gastroenterologist (YOU SEE>>>LOTS OF DOCTORS). My usual guy wasn't in office anymore, so I got the PA. We got some more medication figured out and tried to see what we could do to help my gastroparesis (Slow Stomach...food stays in my stomach too long and it causes issues). One of the medications caused tremors...which were not fun...and the other isn't FDA approved, which means the cost is no longer available or efficient for me. We decided to stay on the anti-nausea pills and see if there was another cause. 

This last week I had another upper GI, which basically they knock you out and put a camera down your throat to take a gander at the inner stomach and take biopsies. Turns out, I do have this stuff called gastritis, which is an inflammation of the stomach lining...but there is not evident cause as to why it is inflamed. *I actually did a lot of research...unfortunately gastroparesis can sometimes cause chronic gastritis in some people (LUCKY ME). The PA I saw, thought having a Botox injection in my stomach lining would help with the nausea...and it actually has been known to help people. Unfortunately, she was misinformed that it is only done on people who have a narrowing of one of the notches in the stomach...which mine is normal sized. So, no shot for me!!! 

YAY!!!

oh Wait...I still have lots of nausea. LAME

That is one thing I am working on to figure out. I have noticed some issues with dairy...so I am going dairy free to see if this helps...Don't worry. I won't become a militant one. LOL.

PCOS- The one thing my endocrinologist thought I had was pcos. This is a syndrome that has 3-5 major issues in women. I checked off the mark on 3 of them. I brought it up with my girly doctor and surprise surprise she actually listened to me and my issues (What a breath of fresh air!). We did an ultrasound and found...By golly, I do have PCOS. So that is another tick of my list of issues. I am switching up birth control stuff and hopefully a longer-term option will help reduce my symptoms.

Today I bought some alternative cheese options...because honestly...I love cheese...a lot! and to cut this out I couldn't just cut it out. So I am going to try these vegan cheeses and see which are good melters, and snackers. Fred Meyers has some fantastic options (THANK YOU). I am not making the boys do it with me...because its just not fair to them. We will all eat the same things...mine will just be altered. 

Signing off from your Celiac and Dairy Free girly...crossing fingers that this works.