Why I do what I do...Comments on the things I am working with.

I don't know why but recently there has been a feeling that I need to explain my reasons for reading tarot. I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel like it will make some things clearer for others. 

Starting from the beginning. I didn't just start reading tarot cards. It came from friends I had acquired over the years. I met some wonderfully magical people. I was using my other craft of doing photography and with these friendships I discovered their talents for reading cards. I never personally got a reading from them...but I was SO intrigued at the history behind tarot and why the pictures are the way they are. I actually got a chance to do an article for my degree which allowed me free reign to delve into the history. *Check out my Tarot history article and it will help you see. 

A little more history about me. Stories have always been my passion. From creating stories in the bathtub or with little cups on my hands...I would craft stories and situations. My stuffed animals and toys would anthropomorphize, and I would have worlds open to me. I actually received flak from a friend growing up because I didn't "play right". I would have aliens come down and park cars for a living or a T rex would want to eat at Denny's but couldn't fit through the door. These were fun for me. I liked random little things.

This is where my degree took me, into English, Creative Writing, and Journalism. I love how authors could use language to create visuals. It was something I was dying to do...or at least be a part of. I taught English at the high school level and absolutely loved short stories and the Shakespeare units. Honestly, if the politics of the school district weren't so awful...I would still be there.

Sorry, side bar. After I was introduced to the world of Tarot, I started learning more and more. I was absolutely intrigued. If you know anything about me, most people know I have a deep love of Ireland and everything about it. My husband got me the Celtic Tarot by Kristoffer Hughes one year, and I absolutely fell in love. I loved the artwork and the story. However, I noticed when I was looking at the cards, there were different things I noticed that would pop out to me.

I threw out my instruction booklet on the tarot and looked at it from an intuitive perspective. It finally clicked. I could SEE the storyline...how the action would rise and fall, the characters that the fool would meet, and how actions would cause different things. These archetypes are a big part of who we are as human beings. Everyone meets or experiences these things in their lives. That is why I love tarot so much. I love the symbols and how they pertain to everything we are as human beings. It is the human condition in picture form. Everything just clicked.

I love being able to help people see connections in their own lives. There is nothing demonic, I am not calling on spirits, or even doing anything remotely associated with energies. I don't deny that there are these energies out there, and if you go looking for them you will find them. But what I do is not about calling on spirits or energies...that is not me. The cards are a tool, just like using a journey to free write or free association writing. It is just a way of unlocking the brain and seeing things from a different perspective.

*On a funny side note, I actually told my aunt what I do and she goes, "Oh I can totally see that in you. You're just like grandma." My grandmother used to read tea leaves, and I have her copies of notes and book she worked from. There was my answer and feeling...yes this is a good thing I am doing. 

I like to say, "You provide the story, I just provide some perspective." 

Gastroparesis: What is it and why it is awful!

 Greetings to all you readers. If you have read some of my previous posts, you can see I have some rather awful health issues. One that is a pain to deal with...both figuratively and literally...is gastroparesis.

What is Gastroparesis? This is a disorder of the stomach which basically slows or stops the movement of food from your stomach to your small intestine. It is also called delayed gastric emptying.

Basically, food sits and rots in the stomach. This causes nausea, vomiting, pain, feeling full and whatnot. Some of the lovely complications are malnutrition, fatigue, vitamin deficiency,, bezoars (not as fun as Harry Potter) basically the food hardens into a rock and gets stuck, or even weird bacterial overgrowth. 

As you can see...not fun whatsoever. 

The only way to diagnose it is to have a scan done by the hospital. They have you eat radioactive eggs and then scan how much food is leftover in the stomach. I had it done over 18 years ago at a hospital after having some really gnarly stomach issues. It was almost like the scan they do for having your gallbladder checked, but you don't get shot full of iodine.

I tried to get all the scans from it a while back, but most hospitals dump scans after 10ish years. I had to have another one this last year. They found out that the first hour my stomach worked like a champ...then the second, third, and fourth hour. It slowed to a crawl. After 4 hours, I still had a good 30 percent of the eggs still in my stomach. When all of it should have been gone after 2-3 hours (with normal stomach). 

This is my normal. (even though I love gramma....I felt it went well here)

One common denominator in all my health issues is a problem with my Vagus Nerve. This is the lovely nerve that is called the wanderer and deals with lung function and digestion. Many times, if you pass out or have gastroparesis, it is due to your vagus nerve having issues. It is in such a weird spot in my spine, that the two times I had C-Sections I passed out from the needle...and then when I usually upchuck, I pass out (which can get messy and potentially dangerous).

What I deal with is almost a constant wave of nausea. Sometimes it is chill. I can work, eat fairly normal, and deal with it with nausea meds and a Relief Band stimulator (I LOVE MINE btw). I absolutely hate throwing up so the less things that might cause it the better.

The worst is when I am trying to exercise or do things well...and then I turn or stretch weird, and my stomach is like...The HELL you ain't gonna have a happy day. So, fighting off nausea is always fun. 

I have to eat small meals and if I am feeling particularly nauseous...I usually subsist on rice crackers and noodles....(Did I mention I have celiacs disease too?)

There you have it. So, for all you out there suffering or are having to subsist with a feeding tube (I salute you too). You guys are warriors as well. I hope you enjoyed my rant.  

Weird Health: Bullying Growing Up

Everyone says that there is some bullying that happens growing up. Even though I would like to say it didn't phase me...there was a lot of bullying and comments from inside and outside of family that really impacted me, even to this day. 

One thing that I HATE with a passion is how much I sweat. It is not an attractive glistening...and if you say girls glisten...I will pound you. No this is run a marathon, dripping down my nose sweating. It doesn't matter if it is a small exercise...sometimes I just sweat like crazy.

One incident that will always be burned into my brain is trying out for the volleyball team in Jr. High/High School. I think we were trying out for the incoming freshmen. I remember I was able to get the ball over the net with serves and was pretty good at doing layups. I really wasn't the best out there, but I certainly wasn't the worst. I remember there were a few girls that were my sister's age that knew me from hanging out with her. They made a lot of comments like what is up with your sisters sweating, is she ok, dang she sweats a lot. 

THIS was something that really impacted me. I didn't make the team...because I didn't fit standards and hell, I preferred reading and being alone. I tried out for the dance team....didn't get it again. OH and don't get me started on getting stuck in lower level of dance because my teacher felt 'Even though she is good...she isn't that pretty.'. 

You can tell I am a little miffed about that eh?

Now let me give you a glimpse growing up as a bigger kid. There were some people in my family that would be considered "Granola" and to have an obsession with weight. It really did a number on my brain and self-confidence. Going to weight loss classes. Getting told to "SUCK IT IN" every time I wore a shirt that was a little tighter. Writing down every little thing I ate. I don't remember being forced to go and exercise...but I do remember there really wasn't a second option.

To this day I absolutely will not have a scale in the house and refuse to weigh myself, unless I am at a doctor's office. Even there I rarely look at the amount of weight. I don't stop my husband from doing so, but I honestly will not suffer my kids to go through that because I don't want them feeling like what their body looks like matters more than who they are as a person.

There was one comment at a recent gathering that really pissed me off to no end. I have been having back pain....and apparently this is due to me not having a strong core (hint...my weight) and not to mention the pointing at my stomach. 

All I wanted to say was F*** that. But I would like to say I have grown a little bit. I shut down the body talk and said it isn't that and I wasn't talking about that again. 

Even though the comments hurt...I try and play it off. Though the comments may have started a little bit of a manic exercising regimin...I have found one that actually is dance-y enough that it doesn't kill my stomach...but works on toning. I have been killing it. I honestly have no clue if I am doing it just because of the damn comment, or just a stubborn part of me wanting to PROVE that even though I am exercising...that pain and the issues with my body are still going to be there. 

One thing that sucks about weight comments. No one truly knows what one is going through. When one's body cannot digest food quick enough (gastroparesis) and having chronic nausea....that is what I deal with. Ballooning up in weight after having my second kid...and weighing exactly what I did when he was in my belly....THAT is what I have been dealing with. Being allergic to wheat, issues with dairy...and even stopping soda because I know how bad it is...THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH. A stubborn body that will not work with the materials given...That is the CRAP (I would like to say another word but I won't) I have been dealing with. SO excuse me if I get extremely miffed about comments about my weight. 

I finally have a few doctors who actually give a damn about what is going on with my body and helping me live fairly normal parameters. So, thank you dear doctors who listen, and to friends who are supportive. Love you tons.